Sunday, September 27, 2009

Ten Reasons to Ignore Lists

List articles are gimmicks. They’re literary candy that catches our eye but ultimately leaves us unnourished.

I received a link on Twitter the other day to an article that listed the Twelve Most Annoying Types of FaceBookers. I have also recently received links to Nine Scientifically Proven Ways to Get Retweeted on Twitter (as if you could get ReTweeted somewhere other than Twitter), 10 Best Things We’ll Say to Our Grandkids (funny, actually) and Ten Reasons Not to Eat Ping-Pong Balls. Google “ten reasons” and you will be amazed.

I confess that I made up the ping-pong thing, although my friend, Terry Templeton, wrote an essay for English class in 1969 entitled “The Disadvantages of Eating Ping-Pong Balls”, long before the Internet came along. Terry was way ahead of his time.

There was nothing unusual about the FaceBooker article, itself. It was the endless stream of list articles in magazines at the grocery checkout stand (Ten Secrets to Great Skin) and on the Web that made me yell, “enough!” at my startled iMac. The article was somewhat unique in listing twelve items instead of ten, which brings me to item number one on my list of reasons to ignore lists.

1. Ten is nearly always an arbitrarily selected number. Ten makes a catchy title. It sounds good because it is a round number that matches our number of toes or fingers, but there are seldom ten true list items. In all likelihood, there are either more and the writer omits some to reach ten, or there are fewer and the writer fabricates a couple to pad the difference. Either way, the reader gets shortchanged. Twelve is perhaps a little less artificial than ten but, on the other hand, it is an even dozen. When I see someone write about seven items one day, or maybe thirteen, I'll know the writer was at least selective about what made the list.

2. Lists are a cop-out for blocked writers with a deadline. With a deadline looming and no creative ideas for a topic, lists are an easy way out. Can’t think of a topic? How about The Ten Worst Things to Put in an Email Signature File, or The Ten Dumbest Things I Read on FaceBook This Week? Don’t we readers deserve topics that are thoughtful and entertaining but might not fit into a bullet list?

3. Lists tend to provide little support for their assertions. Lists don’t offer much opportunity to establish connections, provide background or reasoning, or to supply supporting evidence for their observations.

When we establish that two events tend to happen simultaneously, we need to determine causality before conferring one of the events with predictive qualities. I may note that the stock market tends to do well when the NFC wins the Super Bowl, for instance, but I know that the latter does not cause the former. A list article entitled Nine Scientifically Proven Ways to Get Retweeted on Twitter observes that Tweets that use to shorten long hyperlinks are far less likely to be ReTweeted than those that use Can we, therefore, increase the probability that our Tweet will be ReTweeted by using Not likely.

There are probably just more applications that use than TinyURL. Common sense suggests there is likely no causal link between selection of an URL-shortener and the likelihood of being ReTweeted. The writer doesn’t bother with such analysis, but hey, it makes an interesting list that happens to be precisely a dozen items long.

4. List-writers assume an authority that they haven’t earned. On what authority do I write an article listing the ten most annoying Tweets or FaceBook posts? These are not written on the basis of surveys or studies or a well constructed argument, but personal observations and reactions. The article should rightfully be entitled The Ten FaceBook Posts that Annoy Me, Personally, the Most. Of course, you wouldn’t read an article with that title, because you don’t care that much about my personal likes and dislikes. But, if I can insinuate that these are the things that annoy everyone, you just might.

5. Lists lack organization that provides insight. As my son, the English major, puts it, paragraphs have a responsibility to one another, but list items only answer to an arbitrary category. List articles don't explore relationships, causes or even inconsistencies.

6. They don’t help. No one stops bragging on their children, forwarding chain letter emails, providing mundane updates (“I’m having breakfast now”), promoting their blog, or acknowledging the death of famous people they care about because someone publishes those items on a list. No one.

Furthermore, these are things that people I know and love do in person every day and I don’t hand them a list telling them what they could do to annoy me less. It’s what makes us different and interesting. If a friend Tweets that he is listening to Nick Drake, it may seem mundane to you, but it tells me that we have something in common and I’m happy to learn it. Dude, not every Tweet is about you.

7. It just encourages them. If writers believe you will read a list article any time they can’t think of a truly interesting topic, they’ll do it again. And next time, instead of reading Ten Bad Topics to Post on FaceBook, you’ll end up reading a list of reasons not to read lists.

I don’t really have any items eight through ten. I lied in the title to catch your eye, though I respect you too much to brazenly make up three more reasons. I suppose I just couldn’t think of anything else to write about. I began writing an article entitled The Ten Most Important Things I Have Forgotten, but as you can imagine, it didn’t go well.

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